


Golden Crown

by Beserk



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types, Jesus Christ Superstar 2012 - Fandom
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:13:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beserk/pseuds/Beserk
Summary: It's so odd, seeing glimpses of the adult Judas behind the toddler in his arms. The fear of being abandoned, of being abandoned by Jesus in particular, is quintessentially Judas. Jesus tucks a strand of blond hair behind a tiny ear, his heart clenching. He doesn’t want Judas as a child, he wants him big and strong and normal.Judas would hate this, being dependent on another. He would hate being a child.***Judas gets turned into a child.It's odd…But not the weirdest thing Jesus has ever encountered.
Relationships: Jesus Christ & Judas Iscariot, Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot
Comments: 12
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

The pounding on his door wakes Jesus up in the middle of the night. He groans, scrambling out of bed and stumbling to the front door of his tiny, one-room apartment. He opens the door, steeling himself (last time he was woken up in the middle of the night it was to a drunk and frustrated Judas who had just come back from a failed attempt to save a local school from being demolished, and seeing Judas so sad in the middle of the night was bad for Jesus's mental health), but relaxes when he sees Mary and Peter standing there.

"Jesus," Mary says with a shaking voice. "You have to come with us. It's…It's Judas."

"What happened?" Jesus asks, feeling his heart pound hard in his chest.

"You…" Peter shakes his head, eyes wide with clear confusion. "You should probably just come."

Wordlessly, Jesus grabs his sweater and follows Peter and Mary. He doesn't bother putting his shoes on, but luckily they just go up the stairs to where May, Peter Simon and Judas's place is. They've been in this building, all thirteen of them, for a few weeks now. It's a nice place, close to a homeless shelter they help out at, and Jesus is not looking forward to when they'll inevitably have to leave when the local rabbis become upset with him.

Peter opens the door and Jesus is not sure what he expects to find on Judas's bed, but a tiny child with long blond hair is _not_ on the list.

The child is sitting on the bed, body poking out from inside a blue shirt that is around twice the size of his whole body. Judas's shirt, his favorite shirt to wear at night that he took form James. Since all his nighttime shirts are hand-me-downs from other people. Because he says old clothes are the most comfortable.

"And look like shit," He says, nodding solemnly as if he's talking about something with the gravity of the Torah. "But that's fine because who sees me at night-"

"My God," Jesus whispers.

"I woke up and he was like this," Mary says behind him, but Jesus has eyes for no one but the child. He can't be older than two, and is so cute it's almost insulting to other children.

He also looks like he's very confused and about to cry.

"Hi there, honey," Jesus says gently and kneels down by the bed. "It's all right, no one is going to hurt you. You're safe here. Do you know who I am?"

The child shakes his head, blond hair flying everywhere.

"Well, then we'll just need to introduce ourselves," He raises his hand to shake. "My name is Jesus."

"Jeez?" The child speaks for the first time, tilting his head to the side.

"Yeah, that's right. What's yours?"

"Juwas."

"Judas?" Jesus asks, and the boy nods.

"Fuck, it's really him," Someone whispers behind them. James. When the fuck did he come into the apartment? His place is two stories up! How did he know what was going on? Thomas had probably gone to get the rest of them. No secrets among the apostles, no knowledge not shared in seconds.

"Don’t curse in front of a kid."

"Peter, it's Judas. He knows more curse words then all of us combined."

"Not right now, right now he's like two."

As their voices raise, Judas (because it's Judas, he needs to call him by his name) cowers into himself, lower lip wobbling like he's about to start crying and Jesus won't have that.

"They're very loud, I know," Jesus said gently. "Maybe we should go somewhere a bit quieter, huh sweetie?"

Judas hesitates for a moment but then nods and raises his arms to be picked up. Jesus smiles, heart clenching at the easy trust.

Once softly cradled in his arms, Judas places his little head on Jesus's shoulder and holds on to his shirt with tiny fists, looking up at him with wide, confused eyes.

"I'm taking Judas to my place," Jesus says loudly enough to get everyone's attention.

The room grows silent and then Mary says, "That's a good idea, it's calm there. Do you think-um, that he's going to stay like this?"

Jesus breathes out, "I don't know. Probably."

This has to be his Father's doing (unless it's one of the angels, just fucking around), and God doesn’t do anything for no reason. Which means that Judas will be staying as a child. At least for now.

Mary nods, "Then I'll go to get some things in the morning."

"IN the meantime, I'll try to get him to sleep-" Jesus looks down at Judas, finding him already fast asleep.

"What the fuck," Peter groans. "What the fuck is our life."

"Weird," John says solemnly. "Our life is weird."

Jesus wants to slam his head on something hard.

*

Baby Judas whimpers in protest when Jesus tries to put him on the bed. He tightens his hold on the Jesus's shirt and Jesus can see his eyes moving back and forth behind his closed eyelids. Almost like he's afraid to be abandoned.

"Shh, it's all right, little man," Jesus whispers into the boy's ear. He lays down on the bed and pulls the blanket over the both of them. "I'm not leaving you."

It's so odd, seeing glimpses of the adult Judas behind the toddler in his arms. The fear of being abandoned, of being abandoned by Jesus in particular, is quintessentially Judas. He wonders what he will be like awake, running around and laughing like all children do. Will he gravitate towards the things he enjoys as an adult; will his favorite foods stay the same? Will he still love the color blue and will Peter and John still be his favorites (outside of Jesus, of course. Not that it matters who Judas prefers, that would be ridiculous). He wonders if not, if this child will be unrecognizable-will it feel more of a loss.

Jesus tucks a strand of blond hair behind a tiny ear, his heart clenching. He doesn’t want Judas as a child, he wants him big and strong and normal.

Judas would hate this, being dependent on another. He would _hate_ being a child.


	2. Chapter 2

When Jesus opens his eyes, he finds himself nose to nose with a blinking little face with round cheeks and a button nose. For a moment he stares at the boy, wondering what the fucking hell is going on, but then he remembers. And thank God for it, or he would have screamed and thrown baby Judas off of him.

"Good morning," Jesus says, his voice rough from sleep. "How did you sleep, sweetie?"

"Whez Mama?" Judas puts his thumb in his mouth and sucks, blinking at Jesus.

Jesus sits up carefully, moving Judas from his chest to his lap. He doesn’t know much about Judas's past-Judas never talks about it-but he does know that Judas's family is dead. He told him on Pesach last year, when Jesus asked why he didn't want to do what the rest of the apostles did and gone home.

"What do you remember, sweetheart? When did you see Mama?"

Judas keeps sucking his thumb for a moment before taking it out and bumping Jesus's nose with it, smearing him with saliva, "Mama 'eft."

"She left?" Jesus wipes the saliva off his nose.

The child nods, his messy hair flapping back and forth, "Scweamed at Dawda and boom!"

His hands flap in the air.

"Boom?"

"Boomed the doow," Judas nods. Jesus thinks for a moment and then comes to the conclusion that that means that after his parents fought, Judas's mother slammed the door shut (making a _boom_ sound, naturally) and ran away.

"Does she do that a lot?" Jesus asks gently, hugging the child close to him. "Booms the door?"

Judas nods, "Dawda to."

"I'm sorry, buddy," Jesus kisses Judas's head. "We'll do what we can to find your Mama and Dada, all right?"

He means to calm the child down, but Judas shakes his head and buries himself under the blankets.

"Judas?" Jesus asks carefully.

"Can't see me!" Judas calls out angrily. "Can't see me!"

"All right, can't see you-" A knock on the door startles Jesus and the little bundle under the blanket. Jesus clears his tongue and calls out, "Who is it?"

"It's me, Jesus," Mary calls. "Can I come in?" 

Jesus smiles and gets up to open the door.

"I went shopping," Mary says in leu of a greeting and steps past Jesus into the room, dropping huge bags on the kitchen counter. She tucks a bit of her long brown and pink hair behind her ear and goes over to the bed, leaning on the ground and slinking a hand into the blanket. "Hmm…I think there's something in here."

"Not hewe," Judas's muffled voice sounds from under the blanket.

"No, I really think there's something here…" Mary gaps dramatically. "There it is!"

Judas lets out a shriek, but he doesn’t sound upset at all as Mary jumps on the bed and throws the blanket off, tackling Judas and tickling his sides.

"Where did you come from?" Mary grins.

"Unda the bed!"

" _Really_?"

"Weally!" Judas laughs, wiggling out of Mary's hold and darting out of bed. He's still dressed in adult Judas's shirt which catches against his legs, but when he goes tumbling to the ground he just laughs and stands up again, rushing over to Jesus and hugging his legs. "Jeez!"

"Ohh, is Mary being mean?" Jesus grins, cupping the back of his head with one hand while he starts unloading all the things that Mary brought. "No worries, I'll protect you."

Childproof locks for the apartment, a little toothbrush and toothpaste with cartoons on it (the cartoons are of the Gods. Not God-the Gods, Minerva and Jupiter and Neptune. They're everyone, and every single item manufactured outside of Judea. And since Judea doesn’t have that much manufacturing-well, it's a problem), a child comb, some plastic plates and cutlery. The second bag is full of toys, so Jesus places it on the ground, earning an excited squeak from Judas.

There's a whole bunch of clothes in the next bag, and Jesus sighs in relief that he can get baby Judas out of the oversized shirt.

It takes some coaxing to get Judas to stop playing with his new stuffed animals long enough for Jesus to dress him in his new jeans and shirt with a smiley face on it, but once it's done the child is clearly much more comfortable, running around without stumbling every few seconds and depositing his toys all over the tiny apartment.

"How are you?" Mary asks an hour or so later, when things have quieted down. Judas is sitting by the table, a plate of toast in front of him and two plastic lions in his hands, mumbling and making little roaring noises. Jesus, watching from the bed, finds that he once again wants to cry.

He doesn't think he's ever seen Judas so happy and carefree in his entire life.

Jesus sighs deeply, "I don’t know. This is…quite a lot to take in."

"Yeah," Mary nods, rubbing his shoulder. "For all of us. Peter and Simon want to talk to you about this. Well, everyone does, to be fair."

"Simon and Peter were just the loudest about it."

"Hmm, you know them too well."

They grin at each other for a moment and then Jesus sobers up and turns back to baby Judas, "I don't know why he's like this. But there must be a reason. Right now all we can do is care for him and hope that the reason becomes clear in time."

"You should tell the apostles that," Mary says gently. "It will calm them down, to hear it from you."

Jesus points mutely at Judas.

"You can't just stay holed up in your apartment with him for-however long this will take."

Why not? Jesus doesn’t like the thought of leaving, taking vulnerable, defenseless Judas out into the world. even if it's just to their friends who love Judas just as he does. He wants to keep Judas by his side, where he can know he's safe.

That would be selfish, though, wouldn't it. Judas is a little child, he needs to leave the apartment and go exploring, meet new people, not just be stuck in one location with his-

Whatever they are to each other now. It's a bit hard to declare that your best friend is a two-year-old currently trying to get a zebra doll to eat toast.

It takes baby Judas nearly half an hour to finish two pieces of toast, and he doesn’t even end up eating all of it (a not insignificant part of the toast ends up on the floor or covering the animals). Jesus tries to get him to brush his teeth, but Judas responds by darting right past Jesus's open arms to hide under the bed.

Slightly alarmed, Jesus immediately says, "All right, all right sweetie. You don't have to brush your teeth-"

Mary snorts behind him, "Why am I surprised? Of _course_ you're going to spoil him."

Jesus scowls at her and leans next to the bed, "Can you come out, Judas?"

"Don’t wanna bwush!"

"Why? it's good for you," Jesus coaxes. "You know your teeth will start hurting if-"

"Hate it!"

What the hell is so bad about brushing your teeth?

In the end Mary manages to get Judas out and even gets him to brush his teeth (Jesus has no idea how) and Jesus isn't jealous of that. He really isn’t.

And he differently doesn't smile smugly at Mary when Judas runs back to him and raises his hand to be picked up after being released from the sink.

And Mary doesn’t roll her eyes, looking amused and fond. Not even a little.

*

"Ah," Simon says dully when he opens the door. "So it wasn't a dream."

"No, Jesus sighs, shifting Judas in his arms. "Not a dream."

"Well," Simon rubs his hands and tries to smile reassuringly as Judas. "We should talk."

Jesus nods and walks into the living room (that also functions as Peter's bedroom-money isn't something they have an excess of). He's glad to see that Peter is the only one of the apostles there. He doesn’t think Judas would appreciate being swarmed by all twelve of them.

Adult Judas would _love_ being the center of attention, though.

"Good morning, Judas," Peter says gently as he gets up. "Did you have a good time with Jesus?"

Judas shrugs and buries his face in Jesus's neck, clearly more out of embarrassment then any type of fear.

"It was all right, he slept through the night." Jesus supplies.

"That's not surprising, Judas loves to sleep," Simon says quietly, and Jesus smiles, remembering the time he'd found Judas sleeping with his head pillowed on Simon's lap while his apostle had tried working on his blog, hindered by his inability to move.

He hadn't gotten up, though, because every time he tried John and Mary had hissed at him to stay in place.

"He's so cute when he's asleep, don't wake him up," John had argued. "I'm sure Rabbi agrees."

Jesus had swatted the back of John's head, and Judas had been allowed to keep sleeping.

"Does he know who we are?" Simon asks. Jesus shakes his head. "Ah, well. My name is Simon, little man."

"Samnon?" Judas mumbles, burying himself deeper into Jesus's neck.

"Yes, that's me, salmon," Simon grins.

"All right," Jesus heaves the boy higher. "Come on, we really should talk."

"Yeah. Probably a good idea."

*

"I don't know why Judas is a child," Jesus says without preamble when the four of them finally manage to sit down around the small table. Baby Judas had refused to be put down, but as soon as Jesus had sat down himself he'd fussed and demanded attention.

Jesus kept trying, and Judas kept protesting until Jesus wanted to scream.

Eventually Peter had brought a pan, wooden spoon and large wooden bowl. He'd set Judas down to 'make some muffins' with some sand (and why Peter has a bottle of sand laying around is beyond Jesus, but it probably has something to do with a dare. Most of the idiotic things concerning his apostles are).

When Jesus raised an eyebrow at the surprising competence with child wrangling, Peter had shrugged and said, "My sister's kids. They're older now, but I used to help when they were this age. That was before I joined you."

Jesus had wanted to kick himself. How could he not know this? He was an absolutely _terrible_ rabbi.

"You don’t?" Mary blinks and then frowns, hiding her face. "I mean yes, I know, you don't. You would have told us immediately if you did. I guess I was hoping-"

"If God wants Judas as baby, then we must accept him like this," Simon says solemnly. "But there must be a reason. There must be some lesson for you to learn here."

"Why me?" Jesus cries out when all three of them turn to look at him, though low not to disturb Judas, who's throwing the sand in the air.

"You're the rabbi," Mary says.

"You're His son," Peter says.

"Who else would it be for? There's no one closer to Judas then you," Simon says. "And it's certainly not a lesson for him. He's two, he can barely be trusted with peeing in the right place all the time."

"Stop teaming up on me," Jesus mumbles, trying to look pouty. "Is this how you show respect for your rabbi?"

Simon reaches out to tap his shoulder fondly, "You need to get better apostles, my friend."

Jesus moans and lets his head slam down on the table, "I really do."

"Good luck with that, though," Simon says solemnly, and Jesus decides that he hates everything.

"I suppose all we can do now is take care of him and wait to see what will happen," Jesus mumbles.

He startles slightly when a little palm lands on his knee. He peers down at Judas, who's blinking at him with a little frown on his face.

"Jeez sad?" He whispers, lower lip beginning to wobble.

"No, baby boy, I'm not sad," Jesus shakes his head and raises Judas into his arms, "Just a bit tired. But everything's all right."

The child settles down on his lap and takes hold of Jesus's crown hair and tugs it, hard, "Bowed."

Simon snorts, "He really hasn't changed, hasn't he?"

Judas has a tendency to demand attention whenever he gets bored. It's usually not this overt, though. Jesus smiles as he runs a hand through Judas's hair to clean the sand out of it. He doesn’t mind giving Judas attention. He thinks his ego will burst from how inflated it's getting from all of Judas's need for him.

"Well, I think our conversation is over," Peter says with a snort. "I don't think Judas will let us continue. Will you, hmm?"

Judas grins and shakes his head, "Bowed!"

Jesus laughs, standing up and hoisting Judas on his shoulders, "Peter. You’re the child expert. What do we do now?"

"I would suggest not staying indoors," Peter smiles gently up at the giggling boy. "Maybe we should take him to the park?"

Jesus nods, but then says, directly into Peter's ear so the child can't hear, "If this lasts for longer than a few days, I can't stay home with him. I need to give my sermons; we can't stop our work."

"Give it a few days," Peter suggests. "You could use a break anyways. When it comes to it, I can alway babysit Judas."

Oddly, even though Jesus had pointed out the problem, the thought of Judas being given to anyone else is almost painful.


	3. Chapter 3

"Peter," Jesus breathes out. "You're a genius."

They're in the park, and Judas is sitting inside the sandpit, building a sandcastle with around five other children. Jesus can collapse on the bench and close his eyes without having tiny hands slapping his face to get his attention.

Peter snorts, "I know."

Jesus keeps his eyes closed, leaning backwards to allow the sun to caress his face. He doesn’t know how long Judas will stay distracted, but he plans on taking advantage of it as long as it lasts.

"Roman soldiers were seen around the Temple," Peter says quietly. "Simon thinks that they're planning on putting another statue of Jupiter around there."

The last time a statue of Jupiter was placed anywhere near the Temple, Jesus and his apostles broke it down. Jesus, unlike Simon, didn't want to fight the Romans, but he wasn't going to let them put their idolatry right by their place of worship, either. That had been a year earlier, and Jesus hadn't been to Jerusalem since, keeping to his home turf in the galilee instead.

Not that he was particularly pleased with the way his own people were treating the Temple…

Sighing, Jesus tilts his head to Peter and opens his eyes, "We need to head back to Jerusalem."

It will be dangerous. After his attack on the Temple for its defilement, they only just got away with their heads attached to their bodies. The people and priests there had called in soldiers. Roman solider, against a fellow rabbi. Simon hadn't been surprised; Jesus was a bit.

"Simon would say it's another reason to fight the Roman occupation," Peter says quietly, as if reading Jesus's thoughts.

"Simon deludes himself into thinking that all the problems in our society come from the Romans, and the people among us that try to assimilate into Rome. But he's wrong, there's a corruption within our community that we must fight. I won't even pretend to care about the Romans before we manage to clean ourselves."

"I'm not saying you're wrong, but how do we get people to follow us if we don’t-"

"Jeez!"

Jesus's eyes snap open and he's up and running before his mind can catch up. He jumps onto the sandpit and crouches down next to Judas.

"Are you all right? What happened? What's wrong?" He cups the boy's face in his hands and looks down at him anxiously.

"Oh, he's all right," A gentle voice says. It's a mother, holding her own toddler to her. "I'm sorry, my daughter destroyed his sandcastle. She'll apologize. Won't you, Hannah?"

"I's bad," Judas mumbles.

"What?" Jesus looks down at baby Judas sharply. "No, sweetheart, you're not bad."

"She wuined it," Judas curls into Jesus. "'Cwuase I was bad?"

"No, honey, just because she was mad," The mother says gently and gives Jesus a slightly worried look. "Your son-"

"He's not my son," Jesus winces, because that's a creepy thought. "Son of a friend. I'm just, you know, babysitting."

"Ah," The mother frowns at Judas. "I'm sorry, this is none of my business but…"

"I know," Jesus replies curtly, standing up and raising Judas onto his hips. He doesn't need this strange woman to tell him how disturbing Judas's words were.

Once he walks back to where Peter is waiting, he feels bad for sniping. This woman was kind and wanted to help, and he usually manages to see the best in people. He doesn’t turn back to apologize, though, he has Judas to think about.

"What happened?" Peter asks with a frown. "You're shaking."

"Am I?" Jesus asks numbly, then shakes his head. "I don't know. Not yet. Come on, let's go home."

*

Judas falls asleep in the middle of dinner, which they have in a homeless shelter. He'd spent the afternoon helping James and Peter make the enormous amount of mashed potatoes, smashing the potatoes one at a time with his hair tied backwards with one of Jesus's hair bands (he'd demanded the red one, to fit with Jesus's shirt. When he'd said that, Jesus had had to look away to hide the tears attempting to escape his eyes) while singing far, far too loudly.

It had been a long day, so Jesus isn't surprised at all when Judas's eyes flutter and he starts to waver, swinging back and forth. Jesus realizes a moment too late as Judas collapses forwards, face down into the chicken.

"Oh, poor child," One of the women living in the shelter says fondly. "He worked hard today?"

"Very," Jesus grins as he carefully raises Judas from the plate. "He was such a good boy."

Baby Judas blinks at him, face covered in gravy, "Good boy?"

Jesus feels like he wants to scream. Why does he sound so surprised?

"Yes," Jesus takes a napkin and wipes the gravy away. "You're a very, very good boy."

Judas grins and then promptly falls back asleep.

*

"Petty," Judas says with wonder, watching Mary apply eyeliner to her right eye. "Nice, petty."

Jesus nearly chokes on the can of coke he's drinking because _wow_ , some things really never change, and apparently Judas's love of eyeliner is one of them.

"Thank you, honey," Mary says brightly, finishing her left eye and placing the eyeliner back in her makeup bag. They're having a picnic in the woods next to the playground, and baby Judas had been so excited that he'd pushed them out of the apartment before Mary had time to do her makeup.

Personally, Jesus thinks she's far more beautiful natural (he thinks the same of adult Judas), showing of all the small imperfections inherit in her humanity, but he also knows that what Mary chooses to do with her own body and face is none of his fucking business, so.

As the makeup goes back into Mary's purse, Judas makes a small whimpering noise of protest, but when Mary turns to look at him he freezes, as if caught doing something wrong.

"Judas," Mary says carefully. "Would you like me to put some on you, too? Like playing dress up?"

Judas's eyes light up, but then he bites his lip and whispers, "Can't."

"Yes you can," Jesus frowns. _And you do, all the time, like every day_ , he wants to add. God above, he misses his Judas so much. "Why not?"

Judas looks at Jesus as if he's an idiot, "I's boy."

"You are," Jesus nod.

"Boys can't," Judas says sadly. "Papa says."

"Well," Mary says gently. "I think Papa is wrong on that front. Here, listen, is Jesus a boy?"

Judas nods, "Jeez boy."

"Right, and Jesus can have makeup on, can't you, Jesus?"

Her smile is far to conniving as Jesus mumbles back, "Yes."

He knows where this is going, and is not looking forward to it.

"Then you can to, honey," Mary says brightly. "Anyone can do whatever they want with their bodies, no matter if they're a boy or a girl. Come on, let's put makeup on Jesus."

Yes, all right, Jesus gets it, they’re teaching baby Judas that he's allowed to put on makeup and doesn’t have to listen to everything his father says.

But did Mary have to let Judas just paint Jesus's entire face?

"You look stunning," Mary laughs, handing him a pack of wet wipes. "I especially enjoy the glitter on your cheeks."

"Har, har," Jesus rolls his eyes as he began cleaning himself. They've moved to the playground, and Judas is holding court with some other little kids on top of the slide, so Jesus feels safe to take the makeup off.

Mary twirls her fingers together and says quietly, "I wonder if Judas started wearing eyeliner specifically to annoy his father."

"I wonder what else Judas does that his family disapproves of," Jesus replies, just as quietly. He wonders if Judas had to spent his entire life being told he was wrong for being who he is.

*

Jesus wakes up in the middle of the night, mind blurry and unclear. He blinks his eyes and sits up in bed, rubbing his face. He's so tired that it takes him a moment to realize that the spot next to him is wet and smells of pee.

And also that baby Judas, who had been laying curled into a ball sleeping when Jesus had drifted into sleep after him, is no longer there.

"Fuck," Jesus breathes out, jumping up from the bed. "Judas!"

A hiccupping cry makes him stager backwards in relief- Judas is still in the apartment.

"Sweetheart?" Jesus calls out gently. "Where are you?"

He gets no response except for another sob, but that's enough for him to follow the sound to his closet, which is open slightly. He takes a deep breath and opens the closet door.

Judas is hugging his legs, face buried between them, shaking and sobbing. Jesus feels his heart clench as he leans down so he's laying on his stomach. This way Judas will be slightly taller.

Jesus doesn’t want to be towering above him right now.

"Hey, little man," Jesus says softly. "What happened? Why are you in the closet?"

Judas peers through his fingers, puffy and red eyes wide as they stare into Jesus.

"I made wee-wee," Judas whimpers.

"Yeah, I saw that," Jesus nods solemnly. "Is that why you're in the closet?"

"Imma bad boy," Baby Judas says sadly, sounding like an old man explaining a sad fact of life.

Jesus shakes his head and sits up, crawling into the closet so he's right next to Judas (and hits his head on one of his bags-which must have rocks in it because _ouch_ ), "You're not a bad boy. Everyone has accidents sometimes."

"Mama says o'ly bad boys do wee-wee," Judas explains, rubbing his eyes. Jesus wants to pull him into his arms, but he feels that would be wrong. Baby Judas must feel so powerless right now, and Jesus isn’t going to take more power away from him by forcing closeness.

"I used to do wee-wee," He hadn't, but sometimes white lies are morally acceptable. Jesus wasn't exactly a…typical child, to say the least. All other children have done wee-wee. "Do you think I'm a bad boy?"

The blond child blinks up at him and shakes his head, "Jeez is good."

"So is Judas."

That seems to be the right thing to say, since Judas looks at him for a moment and then crawls into his lap. Jesus breathes out and wraps his arms around the child, burying his nose into the blond hair. It's quite gross, since Judas is covered in pee and stinks of it. But Jesus could not care less.

He thinks about the lepers he's helped, those men and women forced away from society. How shocked they had been-not even by his healing, but by the way he'd _talked_ to them. Like humans.

Judas feels the same right now, blinking up at him like he cannot believe Jesus wants to hug him, wants to tell him he's such a good boy.

The only thing that stops Jesus from crying is the knowledge that it would absolutely terrify Judas.

*

Jesus gives Judas a long, warm bath that lulls him back to sleep, and then dresses him in a seven-spotted ladybug onesie and settles on the bed with the softly breathing child on his chest. Jesus looks down at him, at his innocent face, the face of a creature who has never sinned, and tries very hard not think about what could have made this child see himself as the worst of sinners.

Eventually, he carefully places the boy on the bed, gently so as not to wake him, and gets on his knees on the floor.

"I don't know why you've done this," He whispers to his father. "But please, please help me understand. Help me understand how I can help him, make him happy. And please, please tell me that I have some hope of getting him back, of him returning. Please. I don't expect to be told why."

After all, he doesn’t even know the why of his own upcoming death. A death he's known about this his birth.

"I know when I'll die," Jesus breathes. "I know how I'll suffer before. Why can't you tell me how this will end? If I will ever have my Judas back? Why must I have so much uncertainty in my life? Is this so much to know? When Judas will return?"

At least if he'll return in time for the crucifixion. Jesus shutters. He doesn’t want to think of it without Judas there.

"Father? Please? I don't ask for much I just…. Is it so wrong of me to want my best friend back?"

As usual, his father is silent, and on the bed, Judas whimpers in his sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The next night is Movie Night (yes, in all caps. John insists.), which has been instituted because 'you deserve a break as well, sometimes', as Mary puts it. All the apostles love Movie Night, expect for Judas, naturally.

Judas thinks that they should be spending the time doing more helpful things.

Jesus has stopped trying to convince him otherwise months ago, there's just no point. Now, though, with Judas as a toddler, there's no question about him looking forward to the movie.

The only question, though, is what movie they're going to watch. It was going to be one of those Roman gladiator biographical movies, that are dumb and pointless and that's the whole point. Even Simon enjoys those movies, because they're so idiotic that he can sit there and laugh at the Romans (though if somebody gets him drunk he does start to ramble).

But that's absolutely not a movie that they can show with a child in the room.

While Mary is out with Judas to get popcorn and drinks-nothing too sweet, because Jesus does want to put Judas to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour, Jesus goes to Peter for suggestions.

Because as far as the apostles are concerned Peter has been declared the child whisperer.

"We could always just watch a cartoon," Peter suggests while making a huge pot of hot chocolate (that's tradition, expect when it gets too hot, then it's…just chocolate milk. They don't need to be creative in _every_ aspect of their life). "Like the animated movie about King David that Thomas loves?"

Jesus nods, "Won't everyone else complain?"

"Are you kidding? Complain about something that makes baby Judas happy? Never," Peter smiles. "They love him."

Jesus finds his lips quirking up in response. He's glad his apostles care for baby Judas. But out of all his teachings, one thing he hopes has been written into their very soul is the need to love each and every person they come across.

Also, baby Judas is so adorable it's frankly impossible not to love him.

"It might be nice," Peter muses, "To have one Movie Night without hearing Judas complaining about us wasting our time."

"Peter…" Jesus says softly. He understands what Peter is saying, of course he does. Judas doesn’t understand the meaning of 'half measures' and 'listen Judas you need to learn not to take everything to the extreme'. Also, he doesn't understand the meaning of, 'if I want to do something it's not because Mary is making me and she's not responsible for my actions. If you have a problem with something that I'm doing will you please come to me instead of just attacking Mary?'.

"I know, I know," Peter raises his hands in submission. "I want him back, too."

Jesus squints his eyes at him, "Do you?"

Peter sighs, "Yes. He's frustrating and bizarre at times and confusing. But I love him and I miss him."

Jesus nods, looking down at the table. There are five scratches there that came from a 'knife throwing contest' between John and Judas. They had been bored one day, and Judas doesn't take well to boredom, to any time not spend doing something productive. Jesus misses that man. He misses him like he's a limb that has been cut out of his body and is bleeding all over the floor.

Morbid.

"I miss him too," Jesus whispers. "And it's only been three days."

"Well, we're like a living organism, the thirteen of us," Peter says quietly. "Take one of us away and…well, we don’t function as well."

No, they really don’t.

"I don’t either," Jesus rubs his face. "I feel wrong-"

"Jeez!"

Jesus nearly has a heart attack as baby Judas comes barrelling into him, hugging his legs and rubbing his face into Jesus's jeans.

"Hey there, little Judas," Jesus grins, looking up to see Mary come in after the toddler. She smiles at him and then goes up to Peter to kiss his cheek. "How was your adventure to the supermarket?"

"Mawy got me pop'orn," Judas giggles as Jesus begins swinging his leg back and forth, moving the boy clinging to it as he goes. "Fouw kinds!"

"Four kinds, huh?" Jesus snorts, looking up at Mary, who shrugs helplessly.

"He couldn't decide what he wants and then he flushed the puppy-eyes. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"It's cwause I'm cwute," Judas announces. "The cwutiest. Mawy said."

"Well, Mary's not wrong," Jesus nods, caressing the soft blond hair.

"Mawy's my fawvotie," Baby Judas says solemnly.

That really shouldn't sting so much.

"Really?"

He doesn’t sound pathetic, he really doesn’t.

Judas looks up with big eyes and then grins toothily, "You."

"Me?"

"You bewer then evewyone," The smile slips off and baby Judas nods, suddenly looking much too serious for such a little boy. "But Mawy boughwt me pop'orn."

 _You're usually my favorite, but Mary bought me popcorn and so she deserves the title for now_ , Jesus translates. And he's so touched that he really can't help himself by stop the swinging and leans down to pick the boy up into his arms.

"I love you," Jesus whispers to baby Judas. "And you can love whoever you want as much as you want. You know that, right?"

Judas shakes his head and looks up at Jesus so they're nose to nose, "What 'bout Mama and Papa?"

"What about them, honey?"

"I hawve to lowve them?" Judas pats Jesus's hair.

Jesus's blood runs cold.

"What did he just say?" Mary whispers. "Did he just-"

"You should love everyone," Jesus says gently. "But that will come when you're older, I think. Why don't you tell me why you don't want to love Mama and Papa?"

Judas bites his lip, "Boom the door?"

"Aha," Jesus nods. "Anything else?"

Baby Judas turns to look at Mary, and she says gently, "Do you have anything else you can think of, lovey?"

Judas nods.

"Do you want to tell me?"

Scrambling out of Jesus's hold, Judas runs over to Mary. She leans down and presents her ear to Judas. She listens for a moment and then says quietly, "Mama and Papa aren't here. You can tell us whatever you want to. Even if Mama and Papa don't want you to."

Judas shuffles from one foot to the other, and then nods and places his lips to Mary's ear again and whispers. As he talks, Mary closes her eyes, and Jesus sees pain appearing on her face. He feels his heart clenching as the pain grows stronger and stronger. When he's done, baby Judas moves back to Jesus and collapses into his arms. Jesus holds on to the boy tightly as he curls into him and buries his nose into Jesus's hair, their blond and brown locks interweaving.

Mary walks over and whispers into Jesus's ear, "He says sometimes when his father gets mad at him he locks him in the closet, and when his mother leaves his father tells him she left because he wasn't a good enough boy and didn't love his mother enough."

What.

The.

Fuck.

Jesus swallows and looks down at the little boy curled in his arms. He has always found it hard to understand why people hurt each other, what they possibly gain from it. But hurting children….that's always been so, so much more confusing to him. Baby Judas is so small, so powerless. How could anyone possibly-

"Oh, God," Jesus whispers when a realization hits him like an avalanche of rocks. If this is how baby Judas's life is now, how long did it last for adult Judas? Throughout his earlier years? Throughout his entire childhood?

How could Jesus not know this? Why hadn't Judas told him? He needs to help Judas with this, but Judas isn't here. Judas is gone and a tiny little stranger has taken his place.

 _Why did you do this?_ Jesus cries out to his Father. _Why did you take him away from me, and how could I help him when he's like this-_

Oh.

Jesus frowns down at the boy. If Judas hadn't regressed he never would have found out about his horrific childhood, would he? Perhaps that was the point.

_You could have told me, then, if that was the plan? Was it the plan? What the hell are you up to?_

But those are stupid questions. God is not known for being forthcoming with information, and he's not going to tell Jesus anything.

*

They end up watching the cartoon, with Judas sitting on Thomas's lap and the two of them enjoying it…fairly the same amount. Jesus can't stop looking at the boy, who's bounced back as if nothing had happened.

He's spend his entire life afraid of how it must end. He's tried not to, of course, tried to trust his father, trust that there is a good reason for it, that he needs to go to his death with nothing but the strength of his belief to sustain him.

But he's always only been afraid for himself. He knows his mother will survive it- she's the strongest creature he knows. And he knows the apostles will survive as well, they'll have each other and they'll continue to work to spread his word.

He's always been just a bit worried about Judas, because he doesn't fully trusts Mary and Peter to be able to stop Judas from working when he's about to collapse, to walk him back from the ledge of self-hatred over his inability to be perfect all the time. He barely trusts _himself_ to do it all the time.

But now that he understands better where that need comes from, now that he knows that Judas was raised to believe that he was responsible, with his own behaviour, for the happiness and mere presence of his own mother-now he really doesn't know if he can do it. If he can leave him.

And maybe that's the test, a way to make his sacrifice even harder to bear. The cruelty of it nearly chokes him up. But he can't lie, it would suit his father.

"Hey," Mary says softly as she comes to sit next to him on the sofa.

"Hey," Jesus rests his head on Mary's shoulder. She's the only one that he feels comfortable doing that with. The whole world needs him strong, only Mary can have him weak, accepts him weak. Even Judas, who Jesus sometimes feels he's an extension of, doesn’t accept him like this. With Judas, you always have to keep working, keep doing. There is not time to show weakness, not when there are truly weak people in the world that need your strength.

It's always been frustrating, but now that Jesus knows where it comes from, it's heart-breaking. When they get adult Judas back and he does that again, Jesus thinks he'll just wrap him up in a hug and cry into his blond hair for hours.

Mary, though, has a gentleness to her that reminds Jesus of his mother. Which is probably why he accepts his own weakness when he's around her. She's kindness personified; she wouldn't care.

Jesus turns slightly to look at Judas, who's sitting on a nearly diagonal Thomas's chest, eyes wide and stuck to the screen like he's hypnotized.

"I don't understand how anyone could harm him," Jesus whispers, but then shakes his head. "They must have been suffering themselves. But it's hard to feel empathy. I know I should, it would be the righteous thing-"

"Sometimes, when things hit too close to home, righteousness needs to take a break," Mary replies gently, and she's shivering a bit, Jesus realizes. This is making her suffer as well. "I can't be righteous, I want to kill them."

"Mary…."

"You didn't hear him," Mary replies sharply. "If you'd have heard him, you would want his parents dead as well."

Jesus is quiet for a moment, and then says, "No. I didn’t hear him. Do you know…do you have any idea why I didn’t hear him? Why did he tell you and not me?"

Mary blinks at him and then sighs and kisses his forehead lightly, "I might be projecting adult Judas on baby Judas, here, but…Judas wants to impress you. He wants you to think the best of him. He doesn't like showing weakness in front of you-"

"He shows weakness in front of me," Jesus frowns. "He almost collapses from exhaustion in front of me all the time!"

"Yes, that's because he's gotten to a point where it's impossible for him _not_ to show weakness," Mary explains gently. "And he's always so mad at himself afterwards. When he's just a bit weak, and he can hide it still- then he comes to me. He never listens to me when I tell him to, you know, rest. But he does come, and he does talk."

Jesus pulls away from Mary and looks down at her, a bit shook, "I thought he hated you."

Mary smiles sadly, "I know all his weakness. It's a complicated relationship. When I need him there, he drops everything for me, and vice versa. But when he doesn’t need me and I don't need him…."

Jesus rubs his face, "Tell me Judas is the only apostle that does this. Please. I'm already feeling like a shitty rabbi."

Mary smiles slightly, "No. Just Judas."

"Well," Jesus mumbles and collapses against the sofa. "I suppose that's better?"

"A bit?"

Jesus groans.


	5. Chapter 5

"Jeeeeezzzzzz!"

The screech makes Jesus jump up, moving from a deep pleasant sleep to standing up, wide away, in one movement. He staggers the two steps it takes him to get to the little toddler bed installed by the window to pick Judas up.

Baby Judas tends to become agitated when he's locked in a closed area for too long-they've found that out a few weeks earlier when Peter had taken Judas to help clean out a cave that was blocking the flow of water. After a few minutes in the dark cave Judas had suddenly started screaming-according to Peter-like a man suffering from a dybuuk.

They'd made sure to always have a window near Judas since then, and moving the toddler bed had been part of that. Jesus's desk had had to move, and the toddler bed took its place. This way, not only was Judas under the window, but the desk was in such a terrible position Jesus knocked into it at least once a day.

Not that it matters. Judas's comfort was around a thousand times more important.

"Bad dream, little man?" Jesus mumbles, places his hands around the boy to raise him up and check if he's wet himself, though he could probably tell by Judas's position on the bed instead of the closet.

Jesus had taken the closet away a few weeks earlier, replacing it with simple shelves to put his and Judas's clothes on. But a few days later, when Judas had wet himself, he'd ran into the bathroom and put himself inside the tight, tiny laundry basket, and it had taken Jesus a few minutes to safely get him out. That had been frightening enough for Jesus to put the closet back.

He thinks that was the right choice, since the time it takes him to coax Judas out had gotten down to around ten seconds at most. He just opens the closet door, ducks down, and says, "You want to come out, big guy?", and Judas usually just crawls out into his arms.

Jesus heaves Judas up and oh-

"You did a wee-wee, huh?" He asks carefully, not wanting to draw too much attention to it. But this is the first time Judas has stayed in bed after an accident and Jesus is rather stunned.

"Jus' a little," Judas mumbles back, leaning his head against Jesus's shoulder. "Sowy."

"That's all right," Jesus promises, taking Judas to the bathroom and starting to fill up the bathroom. "You haven't done a wee-wee in bed for nearly a week. Good for you, sweetheart."

"Good?" The word _good_ has the same affect on baby Judas that the phrase, _you've helped_ has on adult Judas.

Has-because Jesus can't think of adult Judas, his Judas, in the past tense.

As baby Judas sits in the bathtub, slipping back into sleep (Jesus keeps an arm stretched out to catch him before his head falls into the water), Jesus sits there and looks at him.

He's getting better, more certain with his position among the apostles. He doesn’t get as upset and _frightened_ when he makes mistakes, and even when one of the apostles get upset at him, he usually doesn’t have what can honestly be described as a panic attack.

He still wakes up in the middle of the night crying around once a week. He still goes to hide under Mary's dress and behind Jesus's legs when something frightening happens. Though, to be fair, Peter does say that that is a normal reaction from a child.

Judas is happy, healthy, energic. He's made friends at the playground (the story they've come up with, which Judas enjoys quite a bit, since it requires 'playing pretend', is that Mary is Judas's mother. Peter had suggested they have Jesus as the father-which was a rather creepy prospect to Jesus-but Judas had replied to that by scrunching his nose and declaring, "Eww. Jeez not Papa." Jesus had to agree.).

But despite that, Jesus wants his Judas back. he loves this child, he loves all the wonderful littlie moments the two of them share. The truth is, though, that Jesus loves baby Judas so much because he reminds him of adult Judas. Because somewhere within him adult Judas might be lurking. _Must_ be lurking, as far as Jesus is concerned. He refuses to acknowledge another option.

Sighing deeply, Jesus lifts Judas up out of the tub and swaddles him in a fluffy towel. Judas yawns and mumbles, "Jeez?"

"Right here, little man," Jesus replies softly.

The child sighs and snuggles into Jesus, completely trusting and loving. Jesus blinks his eyes to stop himself from crying, because adult Judas would never have put so much trust in him.

And that…that hurts.

*

"Look," Jesus says in a serious tone. "This is important."

Judas shakes his head.

"It will only be for a few minutes, I swear-"

"No!"

Jesus closes his eyes for a moment. _God give him strength_ , he prays silently. _Please. I need it now more than ever. I've been going at it for hours._

"This isn't up to negotiation," Jesus says in what he hopes is a commanding tone. "You need to go to the dentist."

Why is this so difficult? Why is it always _teeth_ that get him stuck with a stubborn baby Judas? Why is baby Judas sometimes nearly as stubborn as adult Judas?

Which is saying quite a bit.

"Don't wanna, don't wanna," Judas yells. "Jwon says it will huwt."

Jesus is going to kill John. He's a good man, he listens to the rules of God, he has a deep respect for life. But he's going to kill John. He really is.

"It's not going to hurt," Jesus promises. "It can get uncomfortable; I'm not going to lie. But I'll be right there with you the whole time. And if anyone will try to hurt you-"

"You'll punch 'em?"

"What? No!" Jesus shakes his head. "I just won't _let_ them. Where did you get that idea from?"

Judas shrugs, looking a little embarrassed, "Petwew says you would huwt an'one who huwts me cwause you lowe me."

He's going to find a way to get Peter a Lamborghini. He knows that he shouldn't indulge Peter's love of such worldly commodities, but he's already going to be condemned for all eternity over killing John, so what difference does it truly make?

"Peter is right," Jesus trucks a strand of baby Judas's hair behind his ear. "I love you and no one will hurt you under my watch."

He suddenly finds himself wishing he had said that to adult Judas when he had the chance.

"Do you trust me?"

Judas blinks slowly, and then nods. And just like that, he allows Jesus to pick him up.

*

Jesus tries not to preen _too_ much when the kind old dentist tells Judas that he has very good teeth and had been taking good care of them. it's nice to hear an external validation of his care of baby Judas. He wants to take good care of him, wants to make the child version of his beloved friend is happy and safe. It's the closest he can get to making sure adult Judas is those things.

Judas looks terrified throughout the check-up, holding on to Jesus's finger with his hand in a vicelike grip. But when it's over and he's given a rubber duckie as a gift for good behaviour he lets out a delighted little squeak and then walks around with a smile on his face for the next hour.

Jesus buys them both some ice cream because the way Judas's whole face lights up when he's told he did well-like he _still_ can't quite believe it-just breaks his heart wide open. And he knows that giving him treats won't help with that, won't make him feel safer. But Judas _had_ been a very brave little boy and he _did_ deserve it.

They go to the park next to the dentist to eat their ice cream. Jesus sits on the grass with Judas on his legs, listening to Judas babble about everything and nothing. He finishes the ice cream much quicker than Judas, and when the little boy falls quiet as he eats Jesus uses the break to lay down on the grass and closes his eyes.

He thinks maybe he falls asleep for a few moments, and is woken up by a sticky hand landing on his cheek. Jesus blinks his eyes open and grins, scooping Judas up to place him on his chest.

"Did you finish eating your ice cream, kiddo?"

"Got qwuestion."

"Yeah? What is it?"

Judas bites his lip, "When you sending me 'way?"

Jesus swallows and sits up, "I'm not sending you away."

Judas shakes his head, "Dada says no one helps somebodyfownothin'."

 _No one helps somebody for nothing_. Judas says the sentence as if it's one word, as if he's heard it over and over again until it was ingrained in his mind. It's an odd thing to hear from Judas's mouth, because adult Judas does not believe this. But then again, a lot can change between the ages of two and thirty-one. Jesus wonders who it was that taught Judas this.

If maybe he taught himself that later on in life.

"Hi, Judas, do you remember when Mary told you that your Dada isn't right about everything?"

"Yeah," Judas grins as if it was his favourite memory of all time. Jesus can't blame him. Mary is like a sun that lights up their world.

"Well, this is the same," Jesus explains. "Your dada is wrong about this. People _do_ help each other, for no reason at all. I help you because I want to and I love you, because every human is deserving of assistance. And you are just the same."

 _You are worthy_ , he tells adult Judas in his mind. _You are so worthy, my darling, darling love. And when I get you back, I will prove that to you._

*

By the time they get back to the apartment building, Jesus wants to scream. He'd made a mistake, a grave, grave mistake. Giving Judas ice cream had been fine, but then also giving him a bag of marshmallows-

It was like he was a masochist and hadn't known it his entire life. Because giving a two-year-old so much sugar at five thirty in the evening was just asking for trouble.

"Bowed!" Judas screams, jumping in the air as soon as he followed Jesus into the apartment. "Mawy, Petwe! Bowwwwed!"

"We just walked into the apartment, you can't possibly be bored yet," Jesus snaps, collapsing on the sofa. God above give him strength. This was the worst day of his life.

Judas had once called him a dramatic bitch, and right now, Jesus has to agree with that assessment of himself.

"Little man," Peter came out of his room and scoops Judas up into his arms. "How did it go with the dentist?"

"Got a duckie!"

"Did you? That's wonderful," Peter says, sounding entirely sincere. "Now, can you explain to me why Jesus looks like someone ran him over?"

"Not happened," Baby Judas argues.

"No, I'm sure it didn't," Peter grins, and Jesus closes his eyes. "Well, why don't we go to my room for a bit, buddy? Give Jesus time to pick himself up?"

"He's all there, nothin' to pick," Judas replies as Peter carries him to the room. Jesus hears Peter laugh as Peter closes the door behind them.

Jesus falls asleep almost immediately, and wakes up when he hears a scream growing louder and louder as it comes closer and closer to him.

"I got cown!" Judas shrieks as he comes barreling into the living room, jumping into Jesus's lap. Jesus grins, assuming that Judas means _crown_ , since he's got a paper crown laying crookedly on his head.

"I can see," Jesus adjusts the crown on the boy's head.

"Petwe made it for me," Judas announces proudly. "I helped!"

Jesus catches a lock of blond hair and twirls it between his fingers, "You've got a golden crown."

"Weally?" Judas's eyes grow wide. "Whewe?"

"Right here," Jesus raises the lock. "A beautiful golden crown. You're king of the apartment."

"He really is," Mary mumbles from where she's sitting by the coffee table, making Pesach gift baskets for the urchins in the streets. "He rules us with an iron fist."

"What 'bout Jeez?" Judas asks.

"What about me, buddy?"

"Whewe youw cown?"

Jesus swallows, shaking his head, "I don't have one. I don't need a crown."

"Why?"

"Because…" Jesus sighs. "People with crowns, kings? They rule other people, and think they're better than them. But I don't think I'm better than anyone else."

Judas frowns at him for a moment, and then shakes his head and curls into Jesus, mumbling, "But Jeez is good. Jeez is betta."

"Jeez really doesn’t want a crown," Jesus replies.

"Got bown cown."

"I got a brown crown?"

"Hewe!" Judas laughs and tugs at Jesus's hair.

Jesus laughs and kisses Judas's forehead, "And it's the only one I need."

*

There's somebody watching him. Somebody watching him and he _can't see_ who it is.

He's in the playground alone with Judas, sitting on a bench while Judas plays with a favorite of his, a slightly older girl (Judas is too young for crushes, though, right? And besides-adult him is, well, _gay._ Also, he's two _._ ) that comes with her very active babysitter (who is probably the favorite person of many of the parents in the playground, since she distracts everyone's kids wonderfully. Jesus has taken to buying her a coffee at the nearly place every time to say thanks). So Judas is distracted, and he's certainly not the one staring Jesus down. But someone is.

Jesus stands up from the bench and turns in a slow circle, trying to find where the stare is coming from. Which apparently are the woods next to the park. He looks at Judas, just to make sure the boy is distracted and safe, and then takes a deep breath and walks into the woods.

The woods are dark, calm wind making his hair flap around. He can still feel the eyes on him, and follows the sensation deeper into the woods until he comes face to face with-

"Gabriel," Jesus says, shock numbing his tone.

"Hey there, kiddo," the angel grins his stunningly beautiful face, his white wings flapping back and forth as he flies over to stand in front of Jesus. "It's been a while."

Jesus gets down on his knees in front of his father's messenger.

"That's a slightly dramatic response," Gabriel says gently, and Jesus closes his eyes as he feels the angel's hand come to caress his hair, running his fingers through his locks. "Look at you, though, how you've grown."

"Well, I was a baby when you saw me last," Jesus points out. God above, Gabriel is so beautiful, so clearly holy, that Jesus knows if he were anyone else he wouldn't be able to think, it would be so overwhelming.

"Point," Gabriel places two fingers under Jesus's chin and tilts his head up.

"Why are you here?" Jesus asks, "Did my father send you?"

"Actually, no," Gabriel replies. "I'm here on my own volition. And Rafael and Michael's, to be fair. We need to talk, me and you."

And then he leans down next to Jesus, raising his wings so they cover the human fully. Jesus closes his eyes again, collapsing against the strong white feathers and allowing them to hold him up, just this once.

He's always the one holding everyone else up. It gets tiring.

"What do you want to talk about?" Jesus mumbles. "Have I done something wrong?"

Gabriel snorts, "Yes, of course that's where your mind goes. No, Son of God, you've done nothing wrong. I'm here to talk about your friend there."

Jesus pushes himself up and away from the wings, and shakes his head in shock, "It was you. You turned him."

"I did," Gabriel grins. "But I can't take full credit. It was plan concocted by Michael Rafael and me-"

"Not my father?"

"He signed off on it," Gabriel replies. "It took quite a while for us to convince him, but time doesn't exist in Heaven so that doesn’t really matter."

"All right," Jesus rubs his face. "Now tell me _why_."

Gabriel sighs and goes back to caressing Jesus's brown hair, "What's tomorrow?"

Jesus frowns, "Shabbat?"

"Righttt, and what shabbat? A special one, perhaps?"

Jesus's heart stops beating for a second.

"God," He whispers, his hand going up to his mouth. "My God."

"Hmm-"

"I'm supposed to be in Jerusalem right now," Jesus is not so shocked, mostly because he can't believe it. When it hits him, he'll probably explode. "I'm supposed to die in a few days."

"Right," Gabriel says brightly. "Pretty smart plan, huh?"

"Smart plan? Smart plan!" Jesus laughs, hearing the hysteria in his voice. "The plan is for me to die-"

"Right, right," Gabriel grabs Jesus's face in his hands. "Calm down, calm down kiddo. And now listen to me. All right?"

Jesus nods, his whole body shaking.

"See, Rafael Michael and I don't want you to die. Well, you will one day, but not like this."

"Why?" Jesus's teeth are chattering together. He feels sick. "Why was I meant to die? What changed?"

"You would have come back."

"What!"

"Come back to life three days later. But then you would have left again forty days after that. You were meant to lose your humanity that way. Prove your holiness and all that."

Jesus shakes his head wildly, "Why. Why-"

"You're human, kiddo, there are some things you can't understand. The reason was slightly silly, in my opinion. We found a work around," Gabriel snorts.

"A workaround?"

"Yup, see, it's all about free will," The angel nods. "It solves all of our problems, giving humans full control over their own salvations. It was supposed to be a bit up to you, to your sacrifice, for them to get into Heaven. The rest of the angels and I managed to convince your father we could, I don't know, judge them on their own merits? Novel idea, I know…"

"Oh, God," Jesus breathes out, collapsing back to the ground. They found a work around; he didn't have to die. He could keep on living; he could stay with Judas-

His eyes grow wide, "What about judas? You still haven't explained why you turned him into a child."

"To distract you," Gabriel sounds like he's grinning. "Michael thought we should de-age the Magdalene, but that would have been silly."

"Why silly?" Jesus blinks, trying to follow the words. There's too much information, coming at him too quickly.

"Well, Mary is very good at keeping you grounded, so losing her might have been a problem, made you flounder a bit. But Judas is the man you love so of course you were going to lose your mind-"

"I thought Judas was turned so I could learn why he's so…hurt inside," Jesus says numbly. And then he blinks and looks up, "What did you just say?"

Gabriel tilts his head, "Which part?"

"I don’t…I mean, yes, I love Judas," Jesus tries to explain. "But I love all of them, every single human."

Gabriel stares at him, "Are you serious with me right now?"

"Yes, what do you mean-"

"You love him like David loved Jonathan-trust me, I know, I watched that whole thing go down, wonderful theater. I can't believe you didn't realize," Gabriel sighs with a roll of his eyes. "But then again, you've somehow convinced yourself that you shouldn't ever fuck anyone-"

"Gabriel!"

"What?"

"You can't…" Jesus's mouth is open. "You're an angel, you can't curse!"

"I'm an angel, yes I can," Gabriel replies. "And you're the Son of God, you can fuck."

Deciding that he was not going to think about _that_ right now, Jesus instead looks down at the grass and asks, voice small, "If I'm not going to die, what is going to happen to me?"

Gabriel sighs and wraps his arms around Jesus, "That's up to you. Your life is open. You can stay here in galilee, keep doing what you're doing, changing people's minds and lives one at a time. You can go to Jerusalem, make your argument to the Pharisees, anger them. Chances are that you'll find yourself in the same position, Romans and crosses and everything else. But I can't tell you what to do."

"I don’t want to die," Jesus says quietly. "But I want…I want to do good."

"Oh, my dear boy," Gabriel sighs deeply. "You _have_ been doing good. So much good, and he's so proud of you."

Jesus blinks, "He is?"

"Very, very much. And you'll see that when you die and come join us in Heaven," Gabriel presses a kiss to Jesus's hair and lets go of him. "Now, I'd suggest getting to your man, he's about too…turn back into a man."

Jesus turns, but Gabriel is already gone.


	6. Chapter 6

"Jeez?" Judas blinks up at him as Jesus scoops him up without preamble and carries him out of the playground. "Wha' wong?"

"Nothing, buddy," Jesus feels his heart clench as Judas wraps his arms around Jesus's neck. Gabriel told him that Judas is going to turn back, and while most of him is buzzing with excitement, there's also a tiny, guilty part of him morning the loss. He knows that once Judas turns back, he's never going to allow himself to be held like this.

He basically runs all the way back to his apartment and places Judas on the bed, and just in time since the moment he steps away from the child baby Judas gasps and starts glowing. Before long his entire body disappears from view behind the golden light that blinds Jesus completely.

He falls backwards, hiding his face behind his arm, and closes his eyes in an attempt to protect himself. After a few minutes, the light fades and he hears a groan. An _adult_ sounding groan.

Jesus opens his eyes and turns quickly to the bed, heart pounding in his chest.

"Judas," Jesus breathes out, tears trickling down his cheeks. Judas- _his_ Judas, his wonderful, beautiful Judas-is laying on the bed, the tatters of the toddler clothes around him. He's curled into a ball, his blond hair hiding his face.

Jesus runs forward, unable to stop himself, turning the limp body so he's laying on his back. He stubbornly avoids looking down at Judas's exposed body, pushing blond strands out of his eyes.

"Judas, oh, Judas," Jesus gasps. "Wake up-"

Judas groans again, his eyes fluttering open. He looks up at Jesus, his brow frowning, "Jesus?"

Jesus feels his tears increase. He's missed that voice so much. He's missed hearing Judas calling him by his name, not 'jeez'. He missed that beautiful face, he missed everything about his Judas.

"What's going on?" Judas pulls himself up to a seated position and rubs his face.

"It's a bit…um, complicated," Jesus shakes his head and decides that just telling Judas was the best way to go. There wasn't any way he could make it sound less odd. "You were turned into a child."

Judas stares at him, "That wasn't a dream?"

Jesus breathes out, "No, it happened. The angel Gabriel turned you into a child."

"The angel-what the fuck," Judas catches his head in his hands and squeezes. "What the fuck!"

"I know," Jesus mumbles. "That was pretty much everyone's reaction."

"Oh, God," Judas groans. "Did I really put makeup on you or did I imagine that?"

"That was one time," Jesus glares back. "And it was Mary's idea."

Judas shakes his head and peers up at Jesus, "And did I pee on you?"

"Quite a few times, but then again you were two," Jesus replies. "So I think it was more or less expected."

"Fuck," Judas groans and collapses on the bed, his long body suddenly exposed. Jesus is unable to look away far enough to avoid seeing Judas's backside.

A blush rises up Jesus's cheeks and he decides that staying in a closed room with an entirely naked Judas is probably not his most brilliant idea.

"We should get everyone," Jesus mumbles and stands up. "Everyone was so worried about you."

And then he escapes.

*

Mary and Peter both shriek like little girls when they come into the room and see Judas standing there, dressed in Jesus's clothes (and no, Jesus is differently not thinking about that, the fact that Judas is entirely clad in his clothes, from tip to tip. Judas had to wear something and besides, they all share clothes all the time. It's not a big deal. It's not).

Peter rushes forward and grabs Judas's shoulder, shaking him wildly until Judas's head is snapping backwards and forwards.

"Man, man, stop!" Judas yells, shoving Peter off him. "Can you stop shaking me like a ragdoll?"

"Nope," Peter shakes his head and grabs Judas's shoulders to shake him again. "I can't believe you're back!"

"Let him go, Peter, please," Mary laughs, tears of joy trailing down her cheeks. She pushes Peter aside to attack Judas with a hug that looks bone crushing, and judging by Judas's expression it probably is.

Jesus finds himself thinking that he really wants the two of them to let go of Judas so he can have him all to himself.

"Let go, Mary," Judas pushes the brown-haired woman aside, a bit too roughly. In the past, Jesus probably would have snapped at him for that, but now when he knows a bit more about their complicated relationship, he keeps quiet. "You're choking me."

"Sorry," Mary grins, whipping her eyes.

"You're smudging your eyeliner," Judas carefully wipes the smudge off Mary's face. Mary responds by hugging Judas again, but much quicker this time. She lets go before he has time to push her away.

"Thanks," Mary breathes out. "I've missed you, you know."

"Yeah? I thought I was here."

"Not really," Mary smiles gently. "You were two. You weren't yourself."

 _Well_ , Jesus thinks bitterly, _some of you was. The sad, dark parts._

*

"How long was I a kid?"

Jesus freezes in his tracks, halfway to Mary's bedroom., when he hears Judas's question. He'd been on his way to give her some of the amulet that John made, but instead, he leans against the wall and peers into the slightly open door.

Mary and Judas are sitting on Mary's small bed together. Judas is leaning against the pillows with his feet in Mary's lap, and she's playing with his socks. They look comfortable and at ease with each other. In fact, Mary looks like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Jesus finds himself smiling at the sight. He thinks if it was anyone but Mary, he'd be jealous of the intimacy clear between the two figures on the bed. Mary, though, elicits no such reaction out of him. They remind him of a pair of twins that lived next door to him growing up. It's like Mary has adopted Judas as her brother, with all the closeness and challenges siblinghood provides.

So instead of feeling jealousy, he feels a sense of relief. That Judas has this, that Mary has this-that they have each other, a relationship completely disconnected from him that does not need his presence or permission to thrive.

He loves Judas- he doesn’t own him. He is not, nor should he be, intitled to his attention and need all the time.

"About a month," Mary replies.

"A month?" Judas groans, grabbing a pillow and smacking his face against it. "God, that's so much wasted time-"

"Judas, stop that," Mary snaps, grabbing a lock of Judas's hair and tugging her hard. "You didn't do anything wrong, all right?"

"I didn't do anything, that's the whole point," Judas mumbles, and then peers up at her. "Do you know why? I haven't had the time to ask him."

Jesus swallows. They're talking about him, and he knows that it's wrong to listen. Mary and Judas's conversation is not for him. He tries to make himself move away, but his body physically refuses. He has to hear this. He just has to.

"I don't know," Mary replies. "I'm not sure he knows himself-"

"He knows," Judas says, slightly bitterly.

"How do you know?"

"I can see it in his eyes," Judas replies. "The guilt that there's something he knows that he can't or won't tell us. He gets it a lot."

_Judas, oh, Judas. Is there nothing I can hide from you?_

"Ask him, then," Mary says gently.

Judas sighs and rubs his face against the pillow.

A few moments of silence pass before Mary clears her throat and says, "I think we need to talk."

"Do we have to?"

Mary whacks Judas's head, "Yes."

"I really don't think we do-"

"You don't even know what I want to talk about, love," Mary says quietly.

Judas blinks up at her and shakes his head, "You called me that when I was a kid, didn’t you?"

Mary gives him a careful look and then says, "Why does that surprise you? Don’t you know I love you?"

Judas just shrugs, "Sure I do."

"Liar," Mary says, and Jesus can identify with the fondness in her voice. "You're a liar, Judas of Kerioth. You don't know. Well, I do. And he does to."

Did they always talk about him without mentioning his name, like it was obvious he was the topic of discussion?

"He loves everyone, that's his perfection," Judas sounds bitter and exhausted. Jesus just wants to take him into his arms and hold him close, make him rest.

"He loves you differently," And Jesus, from his position by the door, nods emphatically. He needs to remember this, because it's proof that Mary is some kind of angel who knows everything and cannot be fooled. He'll need that information next time he confuses her for an average human.

Clearly any attempt to keep anything from Mary is doomed from the start.

"You shouldn't play games with me, Mary of Magdala," Judas says, warningly, but there is no anger in his voice. "We both know that Jesus would never allow himself to love any one person differently."

"But-"

"And if he loved me like that, it would just make him weak and I don't-I can't be what makes him weak, Mary. I just can’t."

"Love doesn't make you weak."

"It would for him," Judas says with a small voice. "Because he won't let himself love. And if he wants it, it will just hurt."

Jesus closes his eyes and moves away from the door. He doesn’t want to hear more. He doesn't think he can handle it.

*

Jesus twists in his bed. He tries to lay on his back, and then on his stomach, and then on his right side and then on his left. He's so tried and he just wants to _sleep_ , but his eyes won't close. Instead, he keeps looking over at the spot next to the window where the toddler bed still lays.

The past month, he'd fallen asleep watching Judas as he dreamed. He'd only managed to sleep once he knew Judas was safe and protected under his watch. But Judas isn't here right now. Judas is back in his own room, in his own body. He doesn’t need Jesus anymore.

Well, it seems like Jesus still needs Judas.

Groaning, Jesus hits his head against his pillow. He's been trying to sleep for hours, and it's closer to morning now.

 _I want him_ , Jesus realizes. _I really want him here._

He closes his eyes and lays like a starfish above his covers. He's left the window open, because when he had baby Judas in the room the window needed to be kept closed since little children got cold, and the wind is caressing his skin. He tries to imagine that the caress is from fingers. Fingers carefully running up and down his chest, slowly and thoroughly. The fingers make it to his pants and then moves to the inside of his thigh.

 _Jesus_ , he imagines Judas whispering in his ear. _Why don't you touch yourself?_

"I'm not allowed," Jesus mumbles to his phantom Judas. He says it automatically, because that's what he said to this imaginary Judas for years, every time this happened.

_I thought the angel said you could?_

"Yes," Jesus breathes out as he remembers. "He did."

_Then why don't you?_

Jesus shakes his head again, realizing that he doesn’t _want_ to do it. He doesn't want to come for the first time with a phantom Judas there. He wants to do it with _Judas_ there, which he knows Judas wants as well.

He wants to give that to Judas. Jesus has never been allowed to keep anything to himself. He needed to give, give and give. His entire life was one large handout to those who need it. He's never been able to give something to just one person. But this he can, he can give this only to Judas to let him know how special he is- that he has something of Jesus's that no one else will ever have.

Jesus rubs his face and sits up. He can't keep laying here while Judas is alone in his room. What if he also can't sleep? What if he also misses Jesus? What if he's confused, since it had been such a weird day for everyone and him especially? What if he's waiting for Jesus to come to him?

What if, because Jesus isn't coming, Judas will think he doesn't care?

Right. That’s enough. Jesus can't keep sitting here anymore.

He gets up and shrugs a sweater and shoes on. Before he can talk himself out of it, Jesus leaves his tiny apartment and makes his up the stairs to Judas, Peter and Mary's place. He's brought his copy of the key, but isn't at all surprised to hind the door open. He locks it behind him. Despite what the angel told him, he knows there will always be a part of him afraid of the betrayal and crucifixion he spent his entire life waiting for.

Peter is laying on the sofa, the blue light of his computer illuminating his face softly. He looks haggard, like isn't getting enough sleep either, and he's curled into himself, clutching his pillow powerfully.

Carefully, Jesus closed the computer screen, finds a blanket under the huge number of religious books on the sofa and covers Peter up.

Peter groans and blinks his eyes, looking up at Jesus.

"Jesus….?" Peter mumbles. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jesus promises, caressing Peter's hair backwards. "Go back to sleep, I've got everything under control. Everything's all right."

"Everyone all right?" Peter yawns, already tumbling back into sleep.

Jesus smiles, "Yes. Everyone is all right. Everything's fine, close your eyes." Peter is asleep by the time he finishes his sentence. It's nice to see that his apostle trusts him so much.

So, that's one apostle tucked in. Only another eleven to go (Mary doesn't need him to go to sleep. She's usually the one to do that for the rest of them). Smiling to himself at the thought, Jesus makes his way to Judas's bedroom.

Which is empty.

Jesus takes a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. Judas isn't a child anymore, he's an adult man who can take care of himself.

Right. So, no need to freak out. It's time to think. Where would Judas be? Where does Judas go when he needs-

It doesn't really mater what Judas needs. Whatever he needs, what fulfills his needs is helping others. Meaning he needs to go tour the shelters to find his love. Judas will be in the one of them.


	7. Chapter 7

Judas is in the third shelter Jesus checks. It's a home for orphaned and abused children, which are always Judas's favorite types of shelters in every new place they go to. Children love Judas, attacking him whenever he comes into a room, tugging at his arms and demanding attention.

And oh, he gives them the attention they crave. Does he ever. He plays with them and talks to them for hours, seemingly never running out of patience.

When Jesus walks into the shelter's playroom, he finds Judas sitting with a young girl on his lap, reading her a book in a slow, melodical voice.

There's always children awake in these shelters, no matter how late (or early) it is. A lot of them have trouble sleeping and wake up from nightmares like baby Judas had.

Jesus leans against the door to watch. Judas seems calm, and the child in his arms is nearly sleeping. It's the type of scene that Jesus is now quite sure Judas never got to have with his parents.

He's always found Judas's talent with children to be endearing and rather attractive. Now he finds it even more incredible. If he had the type of childhood that Judas had, he doesn't know if he would be able to be around children who have suffered the same way.

But he'd always suspected that Judas was a stronger man than him.

The child's head slips backwards and hits Judas's chest, and she's fast asleep. Judas stops reading, looks down at her and then carefully sits up and places the girl on one of the colorful sofas.

He frowns when he looks up and sees Jesus. Jesus tries to smile and waves at Judas.

Judas responds by rolling his eyes and walking over to Jesus, "Hey."

"Hey," Jesus echoes, taking a look around. "Any more waking children?'"

Judas smiles slightly, "Not at the moment. But that will change soon."

"How many kids did you put to sleep so far?"

Shrugging, Judas replies, "Six? Seven? Lost count, to be honest."

"Then I think you can take a break," Jesus says quietly. "Come with me for a bit? I think we need to talk."

Judas hesitates, and then nods and follows Jesus out of the shelter and into the street. They sit down on the first bench they come across and sit in silence for a bit.

Jesus takes a deep breath, "I think you deserve to know what happened when you were a kid."

"What happened?"

"Well," Jesus rubs his hands together. "You told us some stuff. Mary. You told Mary some stuff. About your parents, and the way they treated you. You hid in the closet after you peed your bed, and you were afraid of closed spaces."

Judas stares at him for a moment, confusion clear in his eyes, and then he looks away, hiding his expression from Jesus, "Right."

"I'm sorry," Jesus says hesitantly. "I never would have wanted to know any of those things, if you didn't want to tell them. It's your life…it belongs to you."

"I don’t mind you knowing," Judas replies quietly. "I'm actually glad you know. I just never wanted to say it, you know?"

Jesus sighs, "I'm glad to know it, as well."

Judas sighs and leans backwards on the bench, exposing his neck, which Jesus's eyes immediately go to because that's just not _fair_.

"I'm sorry all that happened to you," Jesus says.

"It's fine, it was a long time ago," Judas replies, probably attempting to sound nonchalant, and absolutely failing in that attempt.

"It's not _fine_ , it doesn't _have_ to be fine," Jesu snaps back. "If I was talking about _my_ childhood, or anyone else's childhood, would you tell me that it's fine?"

Judas blinks at him asnd then looks away again, "It wasn't my whole childhood."

"Did your parents get better?" Jesus asks, hopeful.

Jesus lets out a bitter laugh that crushes that hope, "If you consider being dead as an improvement."

He almost does, in this case.

"How old were you?"

"Eight," Judas replies, playing with a strand of his blond hair. That seems, to Jesus, like a pretty substantial part of his childhood. "My mother left a lot, but this time she didn’t come back. She was found dead a few months later, from an overdose. My father hung himself a week later. I found him, with a note. He wrote that it was my fault, I scared my mother away."

"It wasn't-"

"I know. She never wanted to have kids, he pressured her into it. I think he felt guilty, because she really didn't want _me_ , and it was his fault I was there. But it's easier to put it on someone else, isn't it?"

"He still shouldn't have taken it out on you," Jesus replies, though he can start to feel himself grow empathy towards Judas's parents. He still hates tehm, though. They must be the only people in the world he hates. He's going to have to work on that.

"It wasn't your fault," Jesus says again. "And I know-"

"Don't tell me you know how I feel."

Jesus frowns, "I know what it's like to lose a parent."

"You loved Joseph," Judas spits out. "You miss him. I _hated_ mine. I wanted him _dead_. I used to pray to God, asking that he kills him."

"You're wrong," Jesus replies, feeling just as bitter as his Judas. "I _do_ know what it's like to hate my sire. I've hated and loved him my entire life. but _I_ couldn't pray for him disappears, _I_ couldn't wait for his death or to become old enough to escape him. _I_ had no hope of escaping his will for me. Do you believe in God every second? Do you think about him every second of every day?"

Silently, Judas shakes his head.

"Well, I don't have that luxury," Jesus seethes. "He's here, all of the time. There's always a part of me that's him. Laying dormant in my soul. And it's there-it's always there. I'm always afraid that one day it might wake up and I won't be me anymore. I'll just be him. So don't sit there, and tell me that I don't understand what it means to be _trapped_!"

He's breathing hard by the time he's done, tears pricking his eyes. He's gotten up without realizing, and is now looming over Judas. His beloved, beautiful Judas looks up at him with compassion and so much love and suddenly he collapses into his arms they're holding each other and comforting each other and Jesus can't _breathe_ from how in love he is.

"It's all right," Judas kisses the side of his head. "I'm sorry-"

"I love you," He whispers into Judas's ear.

Judas stiffens and gently moves Jesus away from him, "Please don't say that."

"Why?" Jesus asks, a bit confused. "I mean, I won't if you don’t want me to. I just thought-"

Judas groans, "You know why. It isn't fair towards me."

"Not fair?" Jesus blinks. "I know you love me, and you know that I love you-"

"Jesus, fuck!" Judas groans, hiding his face in his hands. "You must know that the love I want from you is…not what you want to give me. So no, it's not fair."

"I want you the way you want me, you idiot!" Jesus grabs Judas's shoulders and shakes him like Peter had when he'd returned to his normal body. "I've wanted you that way for years!"

Judas stares at him with wide eyes, "What."

"I-"

"Then why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you _do_ anything?" Judas demands, shoving him away.

"Because…." Jesus swallows. "Because I wasn't allowed to. I thought I needed to be pure."

"Needed? Past tense?" Judas frowns. "What changed?"

"Well, I talked to an angel-"

" _What_?"

"-and he told me that I was allowed. That I was always allowed," Jesus wants to hold on to Judas, but he isn't going to do anything without first having permission. "So…yeah…"

Judas just stares at him, "You talked to an angel."

"Yes."

"And he told you that you're allowed to have sex."

"Yes."

Judas shakes his head, "You fucking weirdo. What the fuck is your _life_."

Jesus grins, "I've missed you so much."

"Hmm," Judas says, and kisses him.

"Can we…" Jesus swallows, playing with the buttons on Judas's shirt when Judas's lips leave his own. "Can we go to my apartment?"

Judas peers into his eyes, "Are you sure? You don't _look_ sure."

"I'm a bit scared," Jesus says, deciding that brutal honestly is probably the way to go. "I've never done this before. But I _want_ to do it. I want to be with you."

It seems to be the right response, since Judas grins, his whole face lighting up, "Come on, let's go back. We'll take it as slow as you want, ok?"

"Let's go," Jesus says, holding his hand out to Judas. He wants to get home before he can talk himself out of this because of his jittering fear. "Let's go _now_."

*

Jesus locks the door after them and turns to look at Judas. The blond sits down on the bed, taking his shoes off and placing them neatly by the bed, and then looks up at him, expectantly.

Swallowing, Jesus leans against the door, suddenly unable to move.

"What's wrong?" Judas asks softly.

Jesus thinks about that for a moment, and then says, "What if I can’t?"

"Can’t?" Judas frowns. "Can't…what? Have sex?"

Jesus shifts on his feet, "Can't-yeah. I've never even, you know, done it alone."

"Really?" Judas blinks. "You've never masturbated?"

Well, that was a crass way of putting it. Jesus shakes his head, "No. So I really have no idea what to do."

Judas smiles gently and beckons with his hand, "Come here."

Breathing deeply, Jesus does so, and walks until he's standing between Judas's legs. Judas takes Jesus's hands in his own, lacing their fingers together. He raises Jesus's hands to his shoulders and leaves them there. Jesus curls his arms around Judas's neck, feeling the heat and strength of Judas's body under his fingers. It feels odd, to be allowed to touch him like this. To not be afraid of divine retribution. And to not have Judas flinch away from him.

"What do you think is going to happen?" Judas murmurs, bringing his hands up to rest on Jesus's waist. "What's your worst-case scenario here?"

Jesus looks up at the ceiling and says quickly, "I don't manage to give you pleasure."

"And?"

Jesus frowns and looks down, "What do you mean _and_?"

"And? What happens if I don't come? If neither of us come? What will happen then?"

If he can't bring Judas pleasure, what will Judas do? Jesus thinks about that for a moment and then answers, "You'll laugh and find someone else who can do it for you."

He knows that won't be a problem for Judas. He's seen the way other activists look at him during protests, the way people follow his body with their eyes on the bus and while they're walking down the streets together. He knows that Judas disappears sometimes and comes back in the middle of the night, smelling of unfamiliar people.

Judas gives him a disbelieving look, fond and amused, "And will that happen? Realistically, do you think I'm going to do that? Does that really sound like me?"

Jesus blinks. It doesn’t sound like Judas. And yet he's still afraid of that happening. Jesus shakes his head and says, "No. It doesn't."

"Right," Judas replies gently and tightens his hold on Jesus.

"I'm still afraid of it, though," Jesus tells him.

Judas snorts at that, "Fear doesn't tend to be rational. But sometimes it helps to realize that."

"That sounds like you're talking from experience."

Rolling his eyes, Judas replies dryly, "Do you really want to talk about my issues? Right _now_?"

"Why not?" Jesus demands.

"Because-" Judas shakes his head. "Because we're in the middle of something right now?"

Jesus finds himself smiling, "Are you going to start using physical intimacy as a way to distract me from conversations you don't want to have?"

" _Physical intimacy_ , Jay? It's called _sex_ ," Judas says. And he grins and his grin is mischievous and nearly _evil_ , and then suddenly Jesus yelps, finding himself being flipped in the air. His back hits the sheets and Judas crawls over him, his body moving with breathtaking elegance. It's beautiful.

"And even if I was going to try that," Judas purrs. "Trust me, I would be _much_ more effective at it."

Swallowing, Jesus finds himself asking, "H-how would you do that?"

"Hmm," Judas tilts his head backwards, pretending to think. "Would you like me to kiss you again?"

Jesus nods empathically, because he thinks he could spend eternity kissing Judas without growing tired of it.

"That would be a good start," Judas ducks down.

And well, Jesus has to agree that that it a very effective way to distract someone, because as soon as Judas flicks his tongue past Jesus's lips and enters his mouth his mind simply stops working. Just comes to a stop like a car that smashes into a wall.

Judas's tongue licks his teeth and Jesus opens his mouth, allowing the tongue to slip in. Judas make a small, approving sound and deepens their kiss so their tongues meet.

This kiss is different than the one they shared on the bench. That one had been gentle and sweet and had made Jesus feel warm inside. This one is harsh and invasive and makes Jesus feel like his insides are on _fire_.

Jesus places his arms around Judas's neck, trying to get him even closer. He finds himself making a small moaning sound as Judas responds by pulling them up so Jesus is sitting and Judas has a better angle into his mouth. Judas's hands come up to tangle in his hair and he pulls his head down. The slight sting makes another shiver go down Jesus's spine.

He's not sure how long they kiss, but eventually Judas moves away from him. Jesus makes a whinny sound (that _wow_ -he really didn't mean to make) and clutches at Judas's shirt to make sure he doesn’t get any further away.

"What...what would you do now?" He asks, his voice sounding husky to his ear, as he plays with the collar of Judas's shirt. "In your attempt at distraction?"

Judas runs fingers through Jesus's hair and Jesus closes his eyes, sinking into the touch.

"Jay," Judas murmurs into his ear. "Before we go any further, we need to talk. I know you've never had sex, but how far have you actually gone before?"

Jesus tightens his hold on Judas, burying his face in his neck. He doesn't want to see Judas's face when he admits (it's embarrassing enough without seeing his love), "You're the first person I've ever kissed. And I've never had an orgasm."

Did he have to say the second part? He was making himself look bad enough as is.

He feels like he's holding his breath, but Judas simply responds by saying, "We'll take it slow then."

Jesus blinks and pulls away to look at Judas, "How?"

Judas smiles, "Well. There are a few options. Do you want to have an orgasm?"

"I want you to have an orgasm," Jesus says, a bit surprised to find that he's being honest. "I want to help you have an orgasm."

The blond looks absolutely shocked by that, but he quickly collects himself and says, "Never tell Mary that I said this. I will know and I will kill you. But you _can_ just do something for yourself sometimes."

"I'm definitely telling Mary," Jesus replies immediately. "She deserves to know all her hard work has had _some_ effect."

Judas whacks him on the back of the head.

"I think…maybe we should both have an orgasm?" Jesus suggests.

"Oh, we're definitely both going to come," Judas hums. "If nothing else, seeing you come will probably be enough to make me orgasm as well."

The look in his eyes when he says those words make Jesus shudder and the fire light up inside of him again.

"I want to suck you off," Judas says suddenly. "Can I?"

Jesus can't answer, because Judas's words have made his mind explode. He breathes out, shuddering, and then nods.

"All right," Judas purrs. He carefully places his hand on Jesus's chest and pushes him down so he's laying on the bed again. He bites his lip in something between excitement and apprehension. "You do know what sucking off means, right?"

"Shut up," Jesus replies. "Yes, I do."

"Really? Who soiled your innocence?"

"Judas, I've watched TV and movies as well."

"You ever watched porn?"

"No, nothing like-" Jesus stops talking when he sees Judas open his jeans.

With his teeth.

"Oh, Lord," Jesus says (says, because he doesn’t whimper. He's a thirty-three-year-old man who does not whimper-it occurs to him that he's been lying to himself quite a lot lately about the sorts of emotions he has and the sounds he makes. Judas brings out the oddest things in him).

Judas stops and looks up, "All right there?"

"Yes, yes."

Judas watches him carefully, "Are you sure you want me to do this?"

"Yes!"

Judas grins and moves down. He settles himself on the edge of the bed, on his knees, and moves in. Jesus whimpers (this time he can't deny it-it's a whimper) when he feels hot breath tickling his underwear, and then Judas places his hand against Jesus's groin. Jesus groans, the press of flesh against the cloth making a jolt of pleasure go up his spine. He wants Judas to touch him, touch his flesh. He doesn’t want anything between them. He wants to feel Judas, wants to be connected with him.

Judas moves his hand down, a few fingers slipping into Jesus's underwear, and pulls it off. Jesus raises his legs when Judas prompts him to, and Judas slips his pants and underwear off.

His skin bared to the cold night air, Jesus shivers slightly. It feels odd, to be so exposed. Other then his mother and father, no one has ever seen him naked. And this isn't anyone-this is Judas. This is the man he'd been in love with for three years. This is the man he's spent three years lusting over.

He looks down at Judas, and blushes when he sees Judas's eyes grow dark with clear want. He's never had anyone look at him like that, like he's something another person wants to devour. It stirs strange feelings inside of him. There's a strange power in being desirable.

Judas swallows and then whispers, "Well. You're definitely going to be fucking me later."

"Um," Is Jesus's eloquent response.

His lover takes hold of his legs and gently pushes them to the side, baring Jesus even more. Jesus takes a deep breath as Judas's mouth moves closer and closer to him. For a moment Judas stops there, an inch or so from Jesus's member, and Jesus shivers at the feeling of Judas's hot breath against his flesh.

And then Judas licks his dick from base to tip.

"Fuck!" Jesus gasps. He can't believe he thought Judas touching him felt good, because this is beyond anything he has ever experienced before. The pleasure rocks through him, making his entire body light up as if he's being electrocuted.

He groans when Judas licks him again, a few times, and he thrusts his body up, trying to get his dick closer to Judas's mouth.

"This alright?" Judas asks again, looking up.

"Please don't stop again," Jesus begs.

Judas laughs, and then swallows Jesus's member whole.

The move makes Jesus scream out, unable to stop himself, and he jumps up, folding his upper body above Judas's. He buries his face into Judas's blond hair, smelling his familiar scent. He tries to think, to focus on anything but the pleasure pounding through him, because it feels almost decadent to allow himself to collapse entirely into the pleasure.

It's impossible, though, when Judas takes him deeper and begins to roll his balls in his hands. Jesus gasps, feeling a strange tightness forming in his member. It's getting hard and long inside of Judas's mouth and it's such a strange feeling. It's a good feeling, but strange as well. He's never felt anything this powerful before.

"Judas," Jesus gasps out, holding on to his friend for dear life. "How are you doing that, Judas-"

He chokes off when Judas tightens his hold on his balls, squeezing almost to the point of pain but not quite. Jesus feels sweat trickling down his spine and his brow. His whole body is shaking, his mind is in shambles.

"J-Judas," He cries. "Judas!"

The blond's free hand goes up to caress his thigh, and Jesus can feel the love pouring out of that simple move. Jesus revels in the gentle touch, but he can't concentrate on it for long, because Judas's mouth leaves his member.

But before he can ask why Judas stops, Judas moves up and captures his mouth with his own. His hands replace his mouth on his member and he begins to pumps it, twisting-

And then-a feeling of pleasure so powerful is literally making him jump in the air. He feels his member grow so hard it's painful and then something shoots out of him and his vision goes white.

*

When he opens his eyes again, Jesus finds himself laying on his bed, a warm wet cloth carefully cleaning his chest. He blinks up at Judas, who's settles besides him. He's taken off his jacket and is wearing only his T-shirt, which allows Jesus to see the muscles in his arms. Unable to stop himself, Jesus raises his hand to run over Judas's arm.

Judas stops cleaning Jesus's chest and looks down at him, "Hey."

"Judas," Jesus mumbles, sitting up. He looks his lover in the eye and then cups Judas's cheek and leans in to kiss him. "Thank you."

"What for?" Judas asks, looking a bit dazed. Jesus did that to him, Jesus has that power over him.

Feeling incredibly pleased with himself, Jesus flips the covers over and draws him and Judas underneath them. Once they get under the blankets, Judas places his head on Jesus's shoulder and closes his eyes.

Jesus hugs Judas close to him and says into his ear, "For making it so good for me."

He feels Judas smile against his skin, "Trust me, it was good for me to. But you're welcome."

They lay in silence, intwined together. Jesus feels exhaustion seep into his bones, but he can't fall asleep before he whispers to Judas, "I'm glad you're back, my love. I've missed you."

Judas looks up at him, and he doesn’t say anything. He doesn't need to; his love is clear in his eyes.

*

Jesus wakes up early the next morning. He stretches out on the bed, trying to find Judas, but his hands come up empty. Jesus opens his eyes, panic swelling inside of him for a moment, but then he looks up and sees Judas sitting on top of the desk (that has been moved back to it's normal place), looking out of the window with a mug held tightly in his hands.

Silently, Jesus sits up. He slips on a pair of sweatpants that he finds on the floor and goes up to Judas.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jesus asks gently, sitting on the desk next to Judas.

Judas shrugs and thrusts the mug into Jesus's hands, "Want coffee?"

Accepting the mug, Jesus takes a sip and grimaces, "Irish coffee, Judas?"

"I felt like I needed it."

Jesus snorts and places the mug on the chair. He crawls closer to Judas and rests against his chest, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Can I stop you?" Before Jesus can answer that question, Judas adds, "Probably not. Go ahead."

"You don't have to answer, if you don't want," Jesus says, intwining their fingers together.

Judas places his chin on Jesus's shoulder and nods, "All right."

"After you lost your parents, what happened to you?" Jesus asks.

"That wasn't at all what I thought you were going to ask," Judas replies.

"What were you expecting?"

"A question about sex."

Jesus bursts into laughter, hugging Judas's arm to him, "Oh, I've got questions about that. But first-"

"My depressing and dark childhood?"

"You don't have to tell me-"

"I don’t mind," Judas shrugs, leaning against the window, taking Jesus with him. Jesus twists in Judas's arms so he can see his eyes, but Judas isn't looking at him. His eyes are far, far away. IN the past. "After my dad killed himself I went to live with his mother, my grandmother. She was a good woman, but she died when I was ten. Then I lived in the streets and shelters."

Jesus tightens his hold on Judas, "I'm sorry. Those are terrible places to grow up."

"No, it was better than my family home, not gonna lie. The older kids took care of me, taught me how to survive the streets and all that. Which isn't a great way to live," The understatement is clear in his dry tone.

Well, that certainly explained why Judas was so passionate about their work with the homeless, he knew what it was like to live like them.

"And when you grew up?"

"Nothing much," Judas replies. "I kept living in the streets, I stole quite a bit."

"We do what we need to survive," Jesus answers quietly. "I don't know what it's like to live that way, so I have no right to criticize you."

Judas blinks at him, and then looks out the window and says quietly, "I used to think, if I was going to kill myself, I'd hang myself like my father had."

Jesus freezes, and turns in Judas's arms. He looks at his lover in the eyes and realizes what that statement had been. A gift, the dark part of Judas laid out for him to see and touch. Judas has given something up for him, because Jesus knows that he won't be able to do it anymore. This was a secret between him and his father. Now that Jesus knows about it, it's no longer that. It has lost its power.

He closes his eyes, bringing his and Judas's foreheads together, "Thank you for telling me that."

Judas breathes out, "Aren't you going to tell me that it's a sin? That I shouldn't ever think about that?"

"No," Jesus answers, returning to laying with his head on Judas's chest. Suddenly he frowns to himself. He's got that odd feeling again, that someone is watching him. He looks up and sees Gabriel. For a moment his heart stops, but then he realizes that Judas can't see the angel standing there. Gabriel waves at Jesus, looking gentle and kind. "I'm not going to tell you it's wrong to suffer and want the suffering to end."

Judas snorts, "You really are perfect, aren't you?"

His attention moves away from Gabriel back to his lover, "I'm not perfect-"

"No, you really aren't," Judas sighs. "You're just a man. And no man is perfect."

"That's right," Jesus smiles, watching Gabriel. The angel comes to stand right next to him and Judas, inches away. "I'm just a man."

Gabriel smiles gently, and Jesus can hear him say inside of his mind, _yes, you are._ He kisses Jesus's forehead lovingly and then walks out of his life, forever.


End file.
